--- Part I ---

Yea to all ye who rolleth thine eyes on this ancient scroll, er... Usenet
post...

A large crowd was gathered in the Castle square. A coder in shining armor
(tis I!) stood in the center. He was atop the black stallion known as
Assem-blur. 

"I am Sir Optimize, and I represent the noble Kingdom of Dos-a-lot, ruled
fairly and justly by the great King Gatesway. There has been rumors echoing
alongst the countryside of an evil presence by the name of Sategllib, ruler
of Clan Micro$oft (what parts of his body this means to describe, I shall
never know)." I said. The crowd laughed warmly.

I continued, "He owns a large dragon by the name of Wyndoes. This evil
dragon plans to conquer all of Dos-a-lot, and the neighboring kingdoms of
Uniches, Crap-in-toosh, and yes, even the mysterious 'Oh... Es Tu.'" Their
collective awes was unnerving.

"This large dragon may have a weakness. While it promises to shield us from
the tyrannies of King Gatesway (and his twin princes Autoeggsekbat and
Konfygsis) we all know better than to believe this mindless drivel." The
crowd began to cheer.

"The Kingdom Dos-a-lot has history, and many stories to tell. Thousands
have roamed the lands producing such fantastic art that our minds still
reel from their beauty. Think of the great Crew of Future, and their
Reality the 2nd and Panic. Think of the greatness of id and their Duum and
Kway-keh" The crowd murmured amongst themselves, remembering the good
times. I turned slowly on my horse to address the rest of the audience.

"What has this evil dragon to offer? A heretic scroll known only as
Dy-rect-ecks. Blasphemy! Blasphemy! Great prophets and wizards have
predicted the future of great gaming and tis not in what is trendy, or what
the blasphemous Sategllib wishes, no... forces you to think. It claims to
give you unparalleled wonder under the confines of the most damning rules.
Never forget the forgiving Kingdom Dos-a-lot. It may take longer to set up
shop and home in Dos-a-lot, but when you finally do, the benefits reaped
are unparalleled." The crowd cheered more forcefully this time. Just then
several loud horse clops were heard.

"What twas that? Aha, tis King Gatesway, and his trusty thoroughbred
Wattkomm. He himself has come to rile up your adventurous spirit, and to
bring this vile treacherous combination of Sategllib and Wyndoes to a
satisfying shutdown." The crowd was in a frenzy now. Chants of "Gatesway"
made their way into the king's aged ears in surround sound.

King Gatesway rode out in the middle of the square, surrounded by hundreds
of loyal citizens, wish to know what was their fate. He spoke slowly, yet
surely... "Citizens of Dos-a-lot, we have lived peacefully for many years
now. It is a sad fact, but remember that Sategllib provided us with this
tract of land on which we could prosper. Unfortunately, an oversight in the
original clause forced us to allow him to bring the evil dragon Wyndoes
here, in which to wantonly graze on our resources. It wasn't as bad as we
thought, we could banish him when we wished, and summon him when we needed
him. It wasn't a bad situation at all. But when, Sategllib terminated
Wyndoes, and brought in a new dragon. A larger dragon. A more
resource-hungry dragon by the name of..."

"Wyndoes 95." a nasal voice said.

The crowd turned to see where the voice came from. Just then, the sky
turned black and the trees became alight with fire! Riding on the new
dragon Wyndoes neck, was the evil Sategllib! Wyndoes, who was rumored to
weigh over 100 megabytes and growing each day, towered over the small
castle of Commandcom. 

He spoke with a nasal voice that was difficult to understand, yet annoying
to the ears. "Yes, you heard me correctly. Wyndoes 95! We have come to
abolish you, and your petty kingdom! Dos-a-lot is no longer necessary!"

A circle opened up around King Gatesway, as he stood alone. Everyone else
cowered as far as they could. Now he spoke loudly, and with conviction.
"Sategllib! Do you take us for fools? Our great wizards know of Wyndoes 95
and it's weaknesses. You know very well you cannot rid of us, for without
us, you cannot feed Wyndoes' voracious appetite for resources! Yes, even
Wyndoes 95 will require the services of Dos-a-lot!"

Sategllib beamed broadly, revealing his billion dollar pearly whites. "Your
wizards are obviously not up to par. Do they know any weaknesses for my
next dragon? Hmmm? I present to thee, the new and improved Wyndoes...
Wyndoes EnnTee!!!"

A huge dragon, easily twice the size of Wyndoes, appeared. Several more
appear from each side of the castle. When eight had appeared, Sategllib
announced, "These are the Wyrkstayshuns... And now meet the grandest one of
all, Sirvir... HAHAHA!" A gargantuan Dragon, easily twice the size of the
Wyrkstayshun Wyndoes EnnTee's erupted from the ground. Immediately all the
Wyrkstayshun's connected with the Sirvir.

They failed to connect, and were left hopeless unaware of what to do.
Wyndoes 95 tried to connect with Sirvir, and he suffered from a Jenerl
Protekshun Fallt. His weakness revealed, he had no choice but to go into
Dos mode. Sategllib was quick to point... "No matter, the Sirvir alone will
crush you all! Now, Gatesway. Kneel before me and profess the greatness of
the Wyndoes family."

Gatesway dropped his great sword, "Pentium" and descended from his noble
stallion. He began very slowly to drop to one knee. "We may not provide you
with the best means to visit the information superdirtroad, and alas
Wyndoes is the way to do that."

I yelled out, "No! Not you, oh great King Gatesway, surely you jest?"

Gatesway turned to me and waved me back. "Sir Optimize, please, it is not
your place." His knee dropped even lower, almost touching the ground now.
"Dos-a-lot cannot compete in productivity, and alas Wyndoes is the way to
do that."

I could hardly look anymore.

As Gatesway knee was mere inches from the ground, he said, "Dos-a-lot has
been in existence for much longer than it perhaps should of, because of
it's ability to entertain better than Wyndoes. And alas Wyndoes..." 

Sategllib was foaming from the mouth, "YES?!? YES!?! GO ON..."

"along with Dy-rect-ecks..."

Sategllib looked very disheveled now, his glasses nearly falling off his
face, "REMEMBER THAT I CREATED YOU, AND I SHALL DESTROY YOU..."

"is simply the..."

"SPEAK NOW!!!"

"WORST GAMING PLATFORM EVER DEVISED!!!! FIGHT!!! FIGHT, EVERYONE!!! FIGHT
FOR DOS-A-LOT!!!"

I turned around and already the war had begun. The more veteran Dos-a-lot
citizens, along with the Coders of the Look-up Table jumped into action.
Micro$oft's rather large army of public relations marched over the hill, as
the Sirvir torched various clusters of the land. Who will win? I know not,
for the battle still rages on.

--- Part II ---

In the cover of night, Sir Optimize rode upon his valiant steed,
Assem-blur. He glanced behind him to see war-torn village of Dos-a-lot in
flames. Wyndoes EnnTee 
Sirvir was ravaging the land and t'was nothing he could do about it. Or was
there...

The evil Sategllib may have won the battle, but has he won the war? Not
according to the twelve coders of the round disk...

As Optimize approached the crossed trees signifying the meeting place, the
meeting was already in session. 

"I am telling thee, Sirvir has a weakness!" said Coder Wedge.

"Fool, Sirvir is not built as Wyndoes 95 is built. It does not need
Dos-a-lot to survive. We are doomed." proclaimed Coder Biggs.

Optimize said, "No, you are the fool. Sirvir does have a weakness."

On a bed nearby, King Gatesway tried to get up and speak, but pain pinned
him down. As he stared at the thatched roof, he spoke in slow tones,
"Correct, First Coder, there is a weakness. Wyrkstayshuns and Sirvirs are
more alike than though all knowest."

"What are you trying to say, my liege?" said Wedge.

"Sir Optimize knows more, but now I must rest for the final confrontation."

"The final confrontation? Optimize, you must tell us now what this is all
about!" proclaimed Biggs.

"The evil Sirvir can be reduced to a mere Wyrkstayshun with the mere
reconfiguration of one of it's Rejystree options..." said Optimize as he
developed a smug smirk.

"Surely you jest, just with my own eyes I can see the difference. Not to
mention all of it's internal workings!" said Wedge.

"The size is mere padding. It's internal workings are identical to
Wyrkstayshun, I can assure ye of that."

"This just... shatters my mind, can it possibly be true?" said Biggs.

"Tis true. See for thine self..." said Optimize as he scribbed on a
parchment. The parchment read only the following:

http://software.ora.com/news/ms_internet_frame.html

"Incredible..." said Wedge.

"Aye." said Biggs.

"We attack at dawn."

o o o

Sategllib's maniacal laughter echoed throughout the forest, as the vicious
Sirvir laid each abode to waste.

As the sun cracked it's first beams of light over the countryside, the vast
wasteland became evermore apparent as smolderings embers of wood spotted
the village.

The evil preists of Micro$oft were already proclaiming the greatness of
Dy-rect-ecks to the defecting clans. Like zombies wandering aimlessly, one
after another agreed to defect from Dos-a-lot to Dy-rect-ecks.

Suddenly, a rock pelted Sirvir on it's back. The immediate reaction of
swinging around threw Sategllib down, facefirst into a pile of dung.

"Now you smell just like Dy-rect-ecks." someone quipped.

Sategllib lifted his head and wiped the dung from his eyes. As his sight
focused, he saw a pair of boots. Looking up ever higher, the crest of
Dos-a-lot reflected the sunlight into Sategllib's slitted retinas.

"Your billions won't buy you out of this one, Sategllib. FIGHT, YOU
PASTY-FACED LITTLE NERD!" King Gatesway exclaimed as he dropped a sword
onto Sategllib's back. 

"That will be your last mistake..." Sategllib shrieked, finding the sword
rather difficult to lift.

Gatesway lifted the mighty sword of Pentium into the sky, and proceeded to
swing it in a circular fashion, as he waited for Sategllib to finally lift
the sword...

o o o

As Sirvir began to inspect the source of the thrown rock, another one
pelted him between the eyes, blinding him temporarily. Just long enough to
be boarded by the brave Sir Optimize.

The plan was simple. It was known that by simply changing a Rejystree
option, Sirvir could be easily toggled between it's seemingly invincible
Sirvir mode and the much weaker Wyrkstayshun mode. The Rejystree was deep
within Sirvir, and would invalidate the lycens ahgreemen.

Optimize took his dagger and ripped a hole into Sirvir's back, just large
enough to slip inside. Wedge jumped down from a nearby tree to keep Sirvir
occupied. Biggs continued to pelt the ungodly beast with rocks.

As he searched the Ryjystree, Optimize was shocked at the amount of
inefficiency inherent in the design of Sirvir. But no matter now, the
mission was quite clear. He came to a regystree option which matched the
description given to him by King Gatesway.

As he attempted to make the change, two spiders came down on silken threads
stopping Sir Optimize.

"The Wyrker threads is what we be."
"That which we protect, ye shan't see."
"Make this change, ye shall not."
"Leave here now, or ye shall rot."
"We know of your illicit intent."
"This Sirvir ye shall not dent."

Unconvinced that this was the proper option, Optimize continued on.

After cutting through layer after layer of inefficent rings of flab, the
target became visible. Optimize quickly moved over to it and performed the
necessary task...

o o o

Sategllib finally managed to swing the sword and missed miserably, sticking
the sword permanently into a rock. As Gatesway went to swing at Sategllib,
he ran away.

Gatesway laughed heartily, but the laugh quickly became sadness as the
stark reality overcame him. The Kingdom of Dos-a-lot had been ravaged. The
war had truly been lost, they were simply delaying the inevitable by
destroying Sirvir.

"I may not be able to defeat you at swordplay, but can you defeat me at
Monster Chariot Racing?!?! Once you try a state-of-the-art, Dy-rect-ecks
enabled game made by Micro$oft you will be glad I destroyed your puny
village!!!" said Sategllib.

Gatesway sheathed the sword Pentium, and circled Sategllib. Such a puny
mass of flesh, yet the richest noble in the land. Why had he parted from
the Coders of the Round Disk many years before. He simply could not
conform, if he could not set the form.

"I will accept thine challenge, but be warned. I will never betray the
fantastic Dos-a-lot."

Sategllib lost the game to Gatesway. 

"BEST TWO OUT OF THREE!!!"

Sategllib lost the second game to Gatesway.

"NOOOOOOOO!"

"Mildly amusing, too bad about the choppyness, and the overall low
quality." said Gatesway. 

o o o

"I DID IT, HAS ANYTHING HAPPENED?" Optimize yelled up to the surface.

"No! Nothing has happened, I repeat, NOTHING HAS HAPPENED!" cried out
Wedge.

Biggs pelted another rock at Sirvir and climbed a tree. As Sirvir passed
underneath, he dropped down next to Wedge. 

"What happened, has it been done?"

"Yes, but nothing has happened."

Inside the monstrosity, Optimize sat down after kicking a rather
unimportant looking Dee-ell-ell, which was merely sucking away at a
resource or whatnot. An apparition appeared.

"Your mission has begun, yet it has not been completed. Another regystree
option remains, but it is guarded by two "wyrker threds" which aim to stop
thee. Seek an alternate method and ye shall prevail."

It suddenly disappeared in a puff of smoke, leaving behind a sword.
Optimize picked up the sword, noticing that it looked very much like King
Gatesway's sword, the good sword Pentium.

Optimize knew exactly what to do. He returned to the two spiders, and
quickly slayed them with the sword. After making the change, the Sirvir
began to shake.

Wedge and Biggs were thrown off the mighty beast, which was quickly
becoming a very unmighty beast. As it continued to shrink smaller and
smaller, Wedge and Biggs wondered if Optimize could escape.

The Sirvir became smaller and smaller, and Optimize was no where to be
seen.

o o o

"That will teach you, you insignificant twerp."

King Gatesway was dead. Thirteen arrows had struck him in the chest.

"Now for your sword... Hmm, where is it? I can't seem to find it. No
matter. It is unimportant now."

o o o

The Sirvir was no bigger than a tree stump now. 

Suddenly it exploded spreading gore all around the immediate area. Curled
in a tight ball was Sir Optimize!

Biggs and Wedge both exclaimed, after wiping their faces of Sirvir's
remains, "SIR OPTIMIZE! DOST ART ALIVE!"

"'Course... Had to optimize my body mass to the smallest possible space.
How'd you think I got my nickname? By being bloated and inefficient?" he
said with a smile.

"Now that the menance is dead, let's go find King Gatesway, he must've
dispatched Sategllib by now!"

"Let's go!" said both Wedge and Biggs.

"Not so fast." 

All three turned around to see Sategllib, wearing Gatesway's armor. It had
a baker's dozen of holes in it.

"What have you done with our liege."

"Oh him? He's dead." Sategllib said said nonchallantly.

Optimize's anger boiled over, "You miserable wretch!"

He swung the mighty Pentium at Sategllib, cutting his head off, sending it
straight into the air. It landed with a thud on a nearby flagpole, waving
the emblem of Micro$oft. Where do you want to go today?

o o o

The remaining residents of the Kingdom of Dos-a-lot had attended the
coronation of King Optimize.

They were now at Lake Intel, the dead body of King Gatesway laid on a raft.
As it floated to the center of the lake, King Optimize ordered the arrow to
be shot.

A single, flaming arrow arced in the sky, landing directly on the raft,
setting it ablaze. A moment of silence. An eternity of hope.

"DOS-A-LOT LIVES ON!" cried King Optimize! 

-- 
Carlos DaSilva
